SECRETS and LIES

How many years will we hide,
How many tears will we cry,
How long can our Love abide,
When you keep us living a lie?

Sooner or later, Truth will tell,
Doesn't anything ring a bell,
They will find out, and when they do,
Will you admit our LOVE is TRUE?

Or will you throw me under a bus,
Denying there's anything REAL to us,
Is this a secret you'll take to your grave,
Or will you some day, decide to be brave.

By AstrandaLynn~~Copyright 2013~~

Holiday Blues

Another Blue Christmas without you,
I know I shouldn't doubt you,
But you're there with her,
And I'm far away,
Not looking forward to New Years Day.

Been thinking of you so far away,
Knowing on that special day,
You'll be loving on someone else,
Doesn't make me feel like Jingle Bells.

I hate to be the Grinch or Scrooge,
But I'm in one of those Bah Humbug moods,
Don't want to ruin your party,
But I don't feel good.

Sometimes I wonder how much I can take,
Of these holidays that make my heart ache,
I know I can't really blame you,
Holidays often make me blue.

ARTIFICIAL FLOWERS

That summer day, I caught the bouquet,
White roses, blue ribbons, given to me,
Unseen hands lofting the flowers caught so easily,
As if meant for me, a gift to Myself.

Artificial flowers, captured in a glass vase,
Sit on my bedside table, by a photo of a man from OZ,
Distance keeps our love on a shelf, and I wonder
Why can't he be honest with himself?

Too many irons in the fire, allowed to quench his desire,
Time zones away, my heart aches, life again,
Slams on the brakes, reality slaps him in the face,
His commitments keep me in my place.

Artificial flowers, lasting beauty,
Real love sacrificed to duty,
This conundrum of the heart,
With no choice, keeps us apart.

Time As Perceived

Time for me to find my own song,
Time to get off the shelf,
Time for me to get along,
Time to find myself.

Time in two zones, can make you mad,
Time with you makes me glad,
Time alone can make me strive,
Time with you makes me alive.

Nearly four years, who would have believed,
Nearly mad with things misperceived,
Feeling proud with what I've achieved,
Feeling glad with all I've received.

Time is nearly over this year,
Time as future isn't here,
Time has passed, beyond my fear,
Time is NOW, to get in gear.

OUR SECRET WORLD

We have a secret, my Twin and I,
A safe place for us to laugh and cry,
A place for us to meet face to face,
A space for him, free from the Rat Race.

It's a place just for us,
Away from the outside world's clamor and fuss,
Safe from other pressing demands,
Where we can meet as woman and man.

This is where we can flirt and play,
Or be serious for the day,
With our chat, get carried away,
Or on Skype,  hear what  our hearts long to say...
But sometimes life gets in the way.

Family demands, and work never ends,
And then he decides to go out with friends,
I feel I'm on the back burner again,
But soon he is back, making amends.

Maybe I'm working too hard,  says he,
You have that tendency, I agree,
We both dive deep when we're having fun,
And forget to come up for air and sun.

IN THE ZONE

This may be the longest online affair,
Fueled with passionate Fire and Air,
I used to worry we'll never meet,
But there's no hurry, no sense of defeat.

My expectations, schedules and goals,
Unrealistic, dug deeper holes,
Feelings were hurt, disappointed me,
But with your patience, finally, I see.

We can't plan the future, and must accept,
This moment of Now, without regret,
Trust in the love, we've always known,
Enjoy each other, stay in the zone.

When we're together, just US alone,
Whether on chat, or calls on the phone,
This is our time, and our world,
You are mine, and I'm your girl.

By AstrandaLynn~~~Copyright 2013~~~

TIME'S ILLUSION, MIND'S DELUSION

Seasons change, and length of day,
Now time makes you seem farther away,
Daylight Saving brings you more sun,
More time for you to have Springtime fun,
But now instead of twelve plus three,
Twelve plus four separates you from me.

I know it's just an illusion of time,
Silly delusion of my mind,
And I know we're never apart,
Always together in our heart,
It's all a silly game we play,
As the night turns into day.

Sometimes, sleeping in my cave,
Curtains closed, in restless rave,
I don't know if day or night,
Tries to bring me into light,
Or if the time is wrong or right.

What a strange reality,
Online Time's become for me,
Is this a New Paradigm,
Living life without Time?
Meditation's a timeless place,
Consciousness, without haste.

Time's a man-made reality,
Relevant for this land of 3D,
When we see past veils of confusion,
We'll see that it's all been an illusion.

By AstrandaLynn~~~Copyright 2013~~~

A QUESTION OF TIMING

Does it really matter who contacts who,
Or who's the first to say I love you,
People say I shouldn't chase,
That, maybe, I should slow down the pace,
I wonder if that's always the case.

I sometimes feel if I don't start,
And share the poems in my heart,
Even if it makes me first,
My feelings soon will make me burst,
And so I speak, blessed or cursed.

Spontaneity makes me bold,
Reality often seems so cold,
Waiting, wondering if you'll reply,
Or be so busy, you'll try to deny,
Then Come to me later, and, Sorry, sigh.

It seems to be our paradigm,
That I must often wait in line,
You have your world, I have mine,
And often, WE don't have much time.

But when we do, we flirt and play,
While away the time of day,
For a while you are mine,
Sharing love til another time,
In our secret world, online.

By AstrandaLynn~~~Copyright 2013~~~

Torn Between Two Worlds

You call me your Aussie-American girl,
And I'm straddling between two worlds,
Burning the candle at both ends,
Knowing we're more than just casual friends.

Sometimes, our two worlds clash,
Thunder rolls, and lightning strikes flash,
Storm clouds burst, tears fall like rain,
We chat, and soon the sun shines again.

You have your world, I have mine,
Sometimes, we can't be together online,
This long-distance love affair takes its toll,
I wonder sometimes, what is our goal.

Chat can be a double-edged sword,
Sometimes causes misunderstood words,
Cute emoticons show how we feel,
But Skype and video makes it more real.

Lonely nights, blindly staring at ceilings,
Thoughts of you sending my senses reeling,
Being with you, the only cure,
But time zones can't always make that sure.

You are often tired, I am too,
Sometimes, forced, hard things to do,
Sleep is often the sacrifice,
Living and loving, our double-edged life.

By AstrandaLynn~~~Copyright 2013~~~

Doubts and Fears

Soul-deep sadness hits me in my face again, as it does now and then,
I don't know why, but I want to cry,
I had a passionate, erotic day, with someone who's too far away,
Now, night draws near, he isn't here.

Down Under, there's another girl, the main part of his reality,
I wonder, does she make his blood burn, like it does for me,
Or is it cold as ice, does he close his heart, lock that part away,
Save it for me, for another day, another time of passionate play?

Sometimes this all seems like a fantasy, but, for now, it's our reality,
He tells me his love is true, and he'd like to be with me,
But sometimes I feel blue, and only he has the key,
It's all on his time, not my time, and there's no reason or rhyme.

The future is a question mark, he cannot answer now,
Obstacles block our path, and questions bog us down,
Sometimes, he feels my wrath, and storm clouds blow,
But just as fast, a rainbow forms, and once again we know.

We chose a crazy way to love, an endless cyber road,
Across the oceans, worlds away, it is a heavy load,
Often when I need him most, he cannot get away,
But I know, he'll be mine again, on some other day.

Living and Loving Online

A lifetime ahead, that's what we said,
Happy online, everything fine,
Excited by the idea of Someday, not scared, you say,
But, for now, in our online world, let's stay.

We are safe here in our online world, nothing can stop our play,
You can finish what must be done, then come here for loving fun,
Relax with me, whate'er might be, the future we have yet to see,
This is OUR time, silly or sublime, time to talk, or take a virtual walk.

We find ways to show we care, photos, quotes, and songs we share,
Sometimes we ask, how do you feel, and Skype calls make it all more real,
In quiet moments on the phone, you remind me I'm your own,
Passion flares bright as the sun, and we know that WE are ONE.

NOW and ZEN

NOW and ZEN

I used to think of time as Now and Then,
The past was made up of Last...
The last day of school, end of rules,
The last date of courtship, new relationship,
The last day of pregnancy, labor with poignancy,
The last day of youth, facing truth.

Now, older and wiser, faded, a bit jaded,
Time is blending, no more ending,
There is no Last, no more Past,
Lessons continue out of school, there really ARE NO RULES,
A new relationship comes to view, as Love evolves with YOU and ME,
I AM pregnant with possibility, feeling poignant from responsibility,
My Youth has returned as I face the Truth...
In Oneness, LOVE has set us FREE,
No more future expectancy...
Now and ZEN, WE can BE.

NOW AND FOREVER

There was a time, not long ago, I sometimes felt I couldn't live,
I felt so low, expected more than you could ever give,
We seemed doomed to always be apart, as the words pierced my heart--
Never. We can never be together. I'm married, can't you see?
And the world keeps getting in the way. But I love you...maybe someday.

We stayed in contact as much as we could, and our days on chat and Skype were good,
But sometimes I was haunted by fear that you would never really stay near,
Then, we were chatting one passionate night, and my heart was filled with Light,
You said you loved me, even might, love me forever, and stop saying Never--
I asked you, with hope in my heart, did you mean it, I had to know,
And you quietly, hesitantly said, I think so.

You said, for now, it's fantasy, but it is good for you and me,
For now, this moment, stay with me, enjoy our love, and we will see,
The future that is meant to be, the life we've planned for you and me,
I promise I will not say never, for our love will last Forever.
So dry your tears, and have no fear, I will not abandon you,
Come my love, to my side, there is no reason now, to hide.

Dark Night of the Soul

Drowning, I feel the ocean's roll,
Waves crashing over me, leaving me,
Broken, bleeding, needing rescue,
I feel so far away from You.

Abandoned to my own devices, vices,
Doubts and fears, taking toll,
Over the years, ocean's roll,
Drowning me, salty tears.

Where is the LOVE when I need You,
Where is my Heart, so far apart,
The world is too much, distance too far,
I'm losing hope, A distant Star.

I see the wreckage of my boat,
No longer afloat,
Life's dreams, screams, all that I see...
Self-destruction of ME.

Can I rise, see the skies of HOME,
So far away, no longer roam,
Do I have the will, my EGO to kill,
Or is there a gentler way, a brighter day?

Can I let go of the flotsam here below,
The wreckage tangling me, drowning me,
Preventing ME from ever BEing FREE...
Can I let go, and LET US BE?

No More Running

No reason to run, no reason to hide,
No reason to fear the LOVE inside,
Letting it go, letting it fly,
Letting it bring me up so high,
So high I can touch the sky.

My heart has wings now,
Ground school about done,
I've found the ONE, waited so long,
And now at last, I've found my song.

I've been up and down, and round and round,
On the roller-coaster, dizzy on the ground,
Under the sea, and in the air,
So depressed I could not bear
Another hour of my despair.

Then one day, I awoke, a chant was tugging at my throat,
A song was going through my head, a poem took me from my bed,
The Goddess comes to me each day, and my Muse shows me the way,
My Muse, of course, is my Twin, and the Goddess is me, hidden within,
He comes to me and brings me out, and I know without a doubt,
This love of ours is meant to stay.

Path of Joy and Love

The dance doesn't seem so daunting,
New energy I'm flaunting,
No more fear, no doubt,
The Goddess in me is coming out!

I awaken each day, already starting to pray,
Sacred Tara chant, in my heart and mind,
Boddhistsatva, my spirit's path, I find,
Love blossoms as the Lotus Jewel...

Divine Timing still in rule,
In my last term of earthly school.

Om Tare Tuttare Ture Soha!

The song like sunlight wakes my mind,
Rising from my slumber, again I find,
The path of Joy and Love, my heart doth bind...

As I go singing, on my way,
Now Beginning another day.

Things becoming clearer still,
In the silence, yield my will,
Surrender to the river within,
In Joy, I find my beloved Twin...

I awaken in my Heart,
And with Love, share my lyric art.

Waiting for Another Day

I love you now, without fear,
And I feel you so near,
Once again, a heartbeat away,
Waiting for another day.

The future that we cannot see,
Makes a mockery of you and me,
Yet, in quiet moments my heart knows,
Our moment of Now begins to grow.

Always together, you and I,
Knowing our love will never die,
Even if we are worlds apart,
We live forever in our heart.

Oh, Love me now without fear,
And feel me, oh so near,
Once again, a heartbeat away,
Waiting for another day.

I Can't Just Let You Go

It isn't like me to just walk away,
No warning, pretending everything's OK,
Feeling crazy, out of control,
Drowning in tears, denying my soul.

Sure we had a fight, we sometimes do,
But we talked it out and made it through,
So why didn't I just trust my heart,
And not put faith in mystical art?

Our connection keeps us together,
In spite of often stormy weather,
Others cannot understand,
What our souls in other realms planned.

Too many voices, I've listened to,
Not my true choices to turn from you,
I find I can't just let you go,
And that's a truth we always know.

As this old world continues to revolve,
We'll find our own way to evolve,
Our paradigm, being tested with time,
Can only be yours and mine.

Where Are You?

Where are you, where have you gone,
Where is the golden light of dawn,
The night is lonely, cold, and long,
And I don't hear your heart's love song,
I thought I knew you, but I was wrong.

Pain and Confusion

The need gnaws away at me, desire, burning like a fire,
Solar, sacral, chakras aching, cramping, wanting, his lovemaking,
Not just for sex, for proof of his love, like olive branch in the beak of a dove,
I long for a text, a Tweet, a chat--
But ten minutes of Skype would be better than that.

My head aches from all the heart breaks, sometimes I wonder what more can I take,
My balance is off from all the emotional quakes,
I wish my ego would go jump in a lake!

Sometimes it's hard to get back in my heart, this silence has pierced me like a dart,
It confuses me no end, when suddenly he treats me like a casual friend,
I should be used to it by now, but I guess I'll never learn how, or why,
He so blithely ignores me, makes me cry.

Feeling abandoned, unsure of my worth, like a wanderer, lost on earth,
Angelic being with broken wing, angelic voice no longer can sing,
Exhausted from the constant fight, can't even tell what's wrong or right,
Needing LOVE to hold me tight--
Wish he was here to cuddle me tonight.

Another Sleepless Night

I can't sleep, can't even weep,
Don't know what's wrong, I just long---
I long for the day this is all done,
And this endless pain is all gone,
The frustration is too much sometimes,
And that turns to anger, no reason or rhyme.

We had a couple good days and nights,
Fun and flirting, no fights,
But now he's ignoring me again,
Twin or not, I don't understand men---
How can he stand to stay away,
When I think of him night and day?

He's MY other half, sometimes provokes a bitter laugh,
Some days it seems a Cosmic Joke, leaving both of us bleeding and broken,
Slowly dying of loneliness, too many words left unspoken,
Sporadic chats are not enough, and this ride gets very rough,
Communication's priority, doesn't stretch across the sea,
And I don't feel as important as he is to me.

Staying Busy

Staying busy, living my life,
Helps me deny he has a wife,
For a while I can pretend,
I'm his true love, more than a friend.

A day of passion convinces me,
But the day after, I'm not free,
I cannot get him off my mind,
And missing him has me in a bind.

I want to call him, but I fear,
That chasing him won't bring him near,
I want him to come after me,
But fear says it won't ever be.

I wish my ego would disappear,
And let my heart bring him here,
So I could be within his reach,
Sharing moonlight on the beach.

Sometimes I Forget

When we are alone in our online world,
I feel like I'm your favorite girl,
You respond to me as my man,
And I love you all I can.

Skype just makes it all more real,
And we don't hide the way we feel,
Your expressive eyes cannot lie,
And my smile's no longer shy.

We keep nothing from each other,
When we are online together,
You read me with just one look,
You are like an open book.

But there are times I get confused,
And my ego feels abused,
When I try to go too far,
And you remind me how things really are.

I forget you have a wife,
You tell me to get a life,
I almost beg, with you to be,
But you say it's just a fantasy.

But I have noticed recently,
Your chat shows some regret,
You tell me, sorry, I must go,
Sometimes we forget.

Second-guessing Is Depressing

It drives me crazy that you're so vague,
That for clarity, I must beg,
Just for once, say what you mean,
And with your feelings, please come clean.

Keeping me guessing,as you do,
Is depressing, makes me blue,
Second-guessing, I thought it true,
But now I see, you hope it isn't you.

You said nothing beats being busy and happy,
I guess at the wedding I was feeling sappy,
I sent you the photo of that day,
With me glowing, holding the bouquet.

Your reaction gave me hope,
Now I'll have to try to cope,
You said I'm young enough anything can happen,
And you said, it might come true,
But you meant with someone else, not you.

I'm about ready to fly away,
And let the chips fall where they may,
Stop the game, douse the flame,
Admit that this will never be,
For you chose not to be with me.

Remind Me Again

Remind me again, why I'm still here,
Why am I wasting so many tears,
Why can't I just face that you don't care,
As evidenced by the fact, you won't share.

If it's too much trouble to pick up the phone,
Or text me when you're all alone,
Then maybe I should ignore YOU,
And let you feel the pain I do.

We had something good before,
But now you've slammed and locked the door,
You don't love me now, it's clear,
And I have wasted three long years.

How can we keep hurting this way,
This silly 'pushme-pullyou' game we play,
Often makes us run away,
Longing for a better day.

That's my injured ego talking, I know,
I guess I still have a long way to go,
Yet, in my heart, we're always together,
Our Twin Flame Love's meant to last Forever.

Love's Opposite

Love's opposite isn't hate, it's indifference. Hate is a fast moving, sharp blade, quickly cutting pain, soon over.
Indifference is subtle, disguised in free will, saying it's up to you what you do, I don't care. You can stay if you like, it doesn't matter, because I won't change anyway. Indifference is being too busy, too tired or too lazy, too often, to give attention or time. The message is you aren't worth my time or effort. I don't care. Indifference is a dull, throbbing,ache, felt with every beat of a breaking heart. It will take a long time to heal.

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry, I was wrong,
I ignored you for too long,
You tried so hard to make me see,
But my ego blinded me.

I tried to push and pressure you,
But you stood your ground,
Protected all that belonged to you,
While I threw a fit all around.

I invaded your sacred space,
And took up too much time,
Demanding to know what was my place,
I had no reason or rhyme.

I had no right to try to control,
What was your freely-chosen role,
You couldn't tell me anyway--
The future's for another day.

If you'll give me another chance,
To continue our Twin Flame dance,
I will listen carefully,
And try to see, the way you see.

Hitting the Wall Again

I woke up feeling sad,
Then remembered why,
Last night our chat was bad,
And he made me cry.

We had a fight,
No wrong,no right,
But it left me so confused,
I said we need a compromise,
But he just flat refused.

He said we hit that same brick wall,
But I will never change,
I'm too tired, loving you,
It's just another chore,
That made me cry, and ask him why,
Pushing open the forbidden door.

He slammed the door and locked the gate,
His heart was a frozen lake,
I could see in, but not touch him,
And it made my heart ache.

No longer will I slam that wall,
Leaving me bleeding and bruised,
If he wants me, he can call,
But I'm tired of feeling abused.

Only One Regret

When I think back to when we met,
I have no regret...except,
We aren't together yet--
And yet, I cherish each moment I've known with you,
And see how much I've grown with you--
You are my Beloved, my best friend,
My love for you will never end.

If You Love Him, Let Him Go

I felt taller that night,
As I felt the influx of Light,
Cool energies of Cosmic Affirmation,
Flowed through my body from head to toe,
As I smiled, through tears of confirmation,
Higher Self whispered, Let him go.

If you love him, let him go,
Let him go, so he can grow,
Sudden clarity, and I knew,
With tears in my eyes, what I must do,
Let him go, set him free,
Higher Self whispered, urgently.

A sacred peace was in my heart,
Knowing we won't ever part,
This separation, though hard it may be,
Is preparation for our eternity,
We are Twins, ONE Soul, complete,
Even if we cannot meet...
This is our Reality.

If you love him, let him go,
Let him go, so YOU can grow
I answered back, willingly,
This I'll do, for him and me,
Keep up my own frequency,
Higher Self exulted, Let It BE.

Let Him Go, So You Can Grow

The Equinox brought a clearer view,
With great insight, I knew what to do,
My Higher Self, whispered soft and low,
If you love him, Let him go.

Let him go, so he can grow,
He's a part of me, I know,
So that also means so I can grow.
Let him go, so we can grow.

Let him go, so WE can grow,
Break us free from the status quo,
The loop keeps going to the same dead end,
He can't decide between lover and friend.

I tried to tell him I was confused,
But he acted like he was just amused,
His sarcasm hurt my pride,
And that helped me off the ride.

I then explained our Twin Flame bond,
Told him our LOVE will never end,
Our connection makes us whole,
As we merge into ONE Soul...
But it's time for me to move on.

Venting as I Leave

We traveled together, three years online,
But the path led to tears, time after time,
I know on some level you loved me, just not enough,
Your life was always more important, busy with stuff,
So I settled for whatever you could spare,
Which often seemed very unfair.

You gave me impressions that you were free,
Maybe because you wanted to be,
But when I invited you to come to me,
You said, I'm married, with a family.

We were passionate playmates on chat and Skype,
But then the next day, it all seemed trite,
You were suddenly cold, distant to me,
And that confused me, caused us to fight.

Time after time, we got caught in a loop,
Hot days of passion, guilt, then no contact,
Cold nights of tears, you turning your back,
To get your attention, I was jumping through hoops.

Was it all part of being your Twin,
Or was I being punished, loving you, a sin,
So many times, my heart broke,
And it all seemed like a Cosmic Joke.

The Cutting Room Floor

Hush, be still...don't slam the door!
Dreams lie dying on the cutting room floor,
Sacrificed for those we love,
Vowed e'er we left our Home Above.

Eons ago, we were split apart,
Leaving gaping holes in our heart,
We knew that we would meet again,
Just didn't know how or when.

Late in life, I came to you,
But you had other things to do,
You mirrored me, and I knew,
I could not lie...I did, too.

Yours, and mine, family,
Was the main priority,
But our love, though from afar,
Became our beacon, our guiding Star,
Our passion grew, connection strong,
Together, we knew, we belonged.

The world kept trying to pull us apart,
And I lay weeping with aching heart,
While you stood your ground, so tall and brave,
Reminding me of what must be saved.

Hush, don't cry...I've closed the door,
Picked up the dreams, for another day,
I'll hold you now, brush the tears away,
It wasn't time...I thought you knew,
But when it is, I'll come for you,
For I promise, our Love is true.

After The Storm

She lays her head upon his chest,
Hearts now picked up from the floor,
Bitter words forgotten, they now rest,
Mirrors hung upon the door.

The storm blew down the house of cards,
Lightning struck with mighty flash,
Burned all pretenses to ash,
Truth was told, though it was hard.

Through her tears, she felt his embrace,
He reached up and touched her face,
In surrender, acceptance at last,
She knew this fight was in the past.

All forgotten, tenderly,
He said no need for apology,
They know their Love will never end,
And they will always be more than friends.

House of Cards

The house of cards comes crashing down,
Shattered hearts lie on the floor,
My happy smile becomes a frown,
Broken mirrors on the door.

Ego won with words of stone,
Flung like arrows at my heart,
Truth now tearing us apart,
Condemning me to be alone.

Once again, I curse the sky,
Screaming, God, Oh, Why oh why?
After all that we've been through,
Again he runs, and leaves me blue.

Tells me what I don't want to hear,
States again my greatest fear,
Says that he will NEVER leave,
And I'm a fool, or else naive!

I believed in our LOVE,
Felt the bonding from Above,
Now again, promises broken,
And I wonder...
God!  Were you just joking?